On February 3, 2002 my life changed forever-my son John was born.
What started out as a routine delivery went terribly wrong. I will spare you the gory details but it came down to: his heart rate kept dropping, he was really big and I should have had a cesarean section. Due to the fact the intern decided that it was too late (it wasn’t too late) for a c-section my son ended up with a brain hemorrhage. For the last 10 years my husband and I have worked hard to help my son become the best he can be physically and cognitively.
A few weeks ago I spent the entire weekend getting trained in Prenatal Yoga. I knew that this may be tough for me due my son’s birth but I could never have predicted how I actually felt at the end of the weekend.
I had forgiven the intern who made the decision to not giving me a c-section. I knew that she never meant to hurt John or myself-she is human and human beings make terrible mistakes. But what I realized during that weekend training is that I had not forgiven myself.
I knew something wasn’t right a week or two before John was born. I felt he was bigger than the 6 pounds that they predicted he was (he weighed 9 pounds 13 ounces and was 10 days early). When I voiced my concern I was told that it was just getting “tight” in there and that there wasn’t a lot of room for the baby to move. I DIDN’T LISTEN TO MY INTER VOICE!
My inner voice told me something wasn’t right but I thought the doctors knew more than I did so I let it go. I LET IT GO. The guilt and anger that I have been carrying around was about me-my guilt. I felt I let him down. It was somehow my fault that he has been through so much-seizures, PT, leg braces………
But now I need to LET IT GO. There is nothing I can do to change the past-it is what it is. I find that people have an easier time forgiving others than they do themselves. You can’t go back but would I if I could? Would my life be the same? Would my son be this wonderful human being? Maybe-maybe not.
My inner voice is much stronger now due to age and experience but mostly due to yoga. Listening to your body and what it tells you is very important and a valuable tool. Some may say that it wasn’t my fault and maybe if I had said something it wouldn’t have mattered. Rationally I know this but the guilt I feel is real so I need to listen, sit with it and then work on LETTING IT GO.